perceptive projection

Strangers can touch you. move you, crack something inside that has turned you cold and bitter.

At this cafe that I always visit, perhaps I was disheartened and looked it, when this barista who recognized me added a dollop of whipped cream to the grande coffee that I usually ordered. She knew how much I love my whipped cream.

At a convenient store nearby where I live, the manager gave me a piece of promisory paper that said I would be able to buy the brand of shampoo/conditioner I like at the special discounted price within the next month.

Someone I met on irc and didn't know me very well sent me a collection of books.

All was unexpected. All the more they made me want to believe again.  

The news of his visit, the asking for permission, brought many memories along.

The night when we met each other for the first time. The instant chemistry. Then another night two years later when we finally found ourselves alone with just each other, after much maneuvering of not being alone together. That night when he recited everything from that first night, from what I wore, down to the shoes, the bag, the last detail, and other things. The tea that he ordered at four a.m. just for me. and we talked. we talked until the sunrise because my cousin was sleeping drunkenly in the room I shared with her. 

So, we talked. And talked. and talked.

And the affair that began, expectedly.

And no. I still don't feel guilty.

about her. to her.

This is why I refuse to meet him.  

Bank of America got to be the lousiest bank there is.

The ghostly[hidden] fees. The orchestrated ways for them to manipulate so money stays longer in the bank.

I have said it before and I said it again, bank system in the States has to be the most primitive system still being used in the banking world compared to other countries. And all in the name of eating away their customers' money.

But since no one is complaining.

And Bank of America is the worst of the worst.  

Married guy is coming  into town for the purpose of seeing me.

I refused flat out.

I had a feeling that I would break down in front of me and knowing him, he'd offer to help and also would make clear his offer is still standing, the offer of marrying me.

I am very much afraid that this time, I don't have the will power enough to say no.

But I don't love him. And if I say yes, a wife and a daughter would bite the dust. I can't do that. I don't want to be in the position where the offer is tempting enough that I would forget about them and think of my own selfishness of finding an oasis.  

But he can do that. He can lure me. Him as a whole package is seductive. His personality is of such that would be able to absorb all of my problems and neutralized it in him. And he is wealthy enough that my financial problem would look miniscule for him. And although I don't love him, I like him a lot. We've always such a good time together. I know he can make me happy. 

The whole thing makes it dangerous. 

So, the answer is no. No, I won't meet him. 

The United States always accuses and sniffs and scoffs and says that the news in China is controlled by the government, that there is no freedom. 

Yes, it is true. But!

The China government is at least gentleman enough to admit that it is so. That yes, they control everything.

I appreciate that more than what the US government is doing. For all the freedom that the US kept screaming and ramming down to other people's throat, it is the most pretentious government in the whole world.

When I watch the news that is being broadcasted all over the US, I've seen no media has been so staged and choreographed so disgustingly to hide hidden agenda, to make and guide the enmass in what to think, where to turn so they don't see what is going on the other side.

If you call yourself believes in freedom, US government, then let the media be really free, let the news from other countries, broadcasted by companies not owned by an "american" company, can be watched for free by your people. So your people know what actually is going on in the world without being guided by your "media" people.

That is why the internet scares you much.

Let your people be truly free. If you can't actually do that, then at least be like China, dares enough to admit your controlling tendency.

The hypocrite!

ptooey. 

My brother is funny. He is really like a little kid sometimes, so innocent.

I was working until one a.m. last night. By the time I came home, he was already asleep. When he woke up the next morning, the first thing he checked was whether I had come home. Ever since I moved to New York, I had never closed my bedroom door when I slept at night to make sure I could hear everything and would be able to wake up at strange sounds, even with my brother around, my bedroom door stayed open at night when I slept.  

How did I know he check on me first thing in the morning was because I heard a whisper of someone called me, "Cie," meaning sister in chinese. The way he called me when I am sleeping, in an uncertain whisper between wanting to wake me up but also the reluctance to wake me up because he knew how little sleep I get.

But it always managed to wake me up especially every since he lived with me in the States.  

So, I heard him, and moved to remove the big blanket, that had covered me from head to toe, enough so I could peer out to see him standing so still by the doorframe. A relief look washed over his face when he saw my head appeared from the blanket. I had a feeling he had been standing there for a while, willing the blanket to move to give sign that there was someone beneath it, since the blanket was so huge that you couldn't tell whether I was there or not. But I rarely moved when I sleep, hence he whispered to call to me. He didn't venture in to the bedroom, not many people dared to venture into my bedroom while I am in it. Open door or not. Except for my mom, but there was another history why she was intentionally pushing herself into my room, a symbol between us that she would forcefully push in no matter how hard I push her and everybody out from my life.

When I mumbled out to him to ask what did he want, he just grinned happily and shook his head. Then he couldn't contain himself and asked me what time I came home. After I answered in a second, longer sentence with clearer voice, he strolled away happy as if that he'd made sure that indeed I was home and that it was me.

Watching him, I shook my head, marvelling on how like a little boy he was still. But also touched.  

The reason I want to wait until summer, until when he is on his summer break and not around. 

I came to the decision to free myself from all my problems come summer. And come up with plans to put my affairs in order. A plan to come up with money in three months [legally, although not necessarily healthy for me] so I can pay off my debt and set a side for brother's tuition. What to give to whom.

After reaching that decision, I feel strangely relief.

I hate my life so much.

And I am so very angry at myself for ending up here. At this point.

I want to hurl and break things. I want to hurt everyone. I want to scream. and scream and scream. 

I hate all this. I want to divorce from myself. I want to crawl out from my skin. I want to be

not be.

I hate THIS! 

I had a dream about B. In it, he was everthing that I wanted/needed him to be and he wanted us to be back together. When I woke up the dream bothered me for more than a day, realistic or not, it bothered me that I dreamt about him wanting us to get back together.

I rarely dreamt about him after the relationship broke up. It was as if he didn't exist in my life. That chapter was the one torn out from a book, the missing pages that weren't supposed to be found again even by myself. 

From all of my ex-es, he was the one who I purposedly shut out from life, cut and not wanting to contact at all.

He was the reminder of my stupidity in all aspect, the way he played me emotionally with a threat that he'd kill himself should I decide to leave him, locking himself away in a bathroom with scissor and knife and I was begging until myself hoarse from outside the door for him not to do anything stupid.

It wasn't until my aunty told me, when the family heard the way how he tried to hold on to me [after I broke up to him for real and he didn't kill himself], that I realized I had other option. That I should call his bluff, in fact I should give him the knife myself and told him to do it while I were going to watch.

I  promised myself since then that never again anyone would be able to threaten me that way. That I would do exactly what my aunty said and with a phone nearby ready to call 911. But never again I'd beg them not to do it.

I have to remember that I am only responsible for my own well-being and no one else. That I come first and no one else should be allowed to make you go mental by playing the emotional game with you. 

It took me six years to learn that lesson.

Although it was a long time, the cost has been high. But it's worth it.  

I think I am having a pet-withdrawal sympton.

This two years would be the longest time I've ever been without owning a pet of any kind.  What little sleep I can get these days are filled with dreams of my dogs. from the past to the current ones back home.

I miss them. I miss the unconditional love. the companions.