perceptive projection

The apartment is empty, devoid of voices, even the ones that sometimes annoy me. The sound of my brother playing his loud music or his computer games. And I don't like it.

 

Many of a people have asked why I am not bothered that my brother lives with me, especially since most know I behave in a very asian way around my family, and all the more around him, since I am his big sister, which means the way I behave I can give any saint a run for his/her money. That means, around him, despite my quirks and such, I am all wise, all knowing, all responsible, all discipline, all know what to do in any situation to get myself and him out of that situation. 

It also means that around him, I don't show my passionate-self to any man.

 

Of course that he's seen me with the men in my life. In fact, I make sure those men, who seem to be very serious about me to whom I am also interested, get introduced to my brother, sooner or later. Although in the States because we live together, it tends to be sooner. I'd watch for their interaction with him. And I also make sure I explain to them I am responsible for my brother.  

He has met B, Alpha, Omega, Yuri, and even mr. Analyst. We've hung out together. But despite I've had my first boyfriend since I was eleven, even before he was born, he's never seen me doing anything other than holding hands, and even when I sat with my boyfriend du jour, he's never seen me cuddling, not even witth Alpha.

 

Whereas it is well-known in my family that I am the most affectionate member of the family. I have been accused by Babs, Jen's sister, to be very "touchy-touchy", easily touching people on their hands while talking or hugging them or all the affectionate actions. I am the first to start the hug in our family, to hug Mother or Father, this after I lived in Arizona and had developed a sense of not caring for their awkwardness and just showed them that I love them and wanted to show them in gestures.

We are a true chinese family, we've come from a long line of ancestors who never believed in showing emotions, other than perhaps strong anger.

But despite that I am known for my affection in my big family, I feel somehow by showing much passion in a relationship in front of my brother somehow uhmmmmm not right. so I don't.  I feel that it is not right especially since the guy is not my husband, I feel like I am teaching him how easy a relationship is without a deeper commitment if I am too passionate in front of him. 

I want to instill in him that, yes, date around first before you settle down with one person, but also don't take a relationship too lightly, respect yourself and also respect her, but don't get manipulated.

As for the aspect of passions, I have no doubt in time, he'll pick it on his own without me having to show him examples from my own relationship.

 

Not showing passion in front of him also means that living with him will stunt my love life in the eyes of other people. What they don't understand is, aside that I have no love life at the moment, but when I do, I don't bring men to my place. Even with Alpha or B or Omega or RK, they don't come to my place/house/apartment. I go to their places or the hotels where they stay. Even without my brother or my family around. Of course, they come for visits, but no staying over.

My place is my sanctuary, unless of course, we live together, then it is different. If I agree to live together with a guy, that means I've deemed him worthy enough for me to open and share my life with him. But as long as we both have our own places, then I go to their places, not the other way around. 

 

So, living with my brother doesn't bother my love life.

In fact, I enjoy it. Because he is really the sun to my dark gloomy moods. On the day to day, I don't have to pretend, I can act as myself, the crazy, grumpy, spoilt princess that I am because he knows that is his sister, the cranky evil sister that would pester him when my evil wickedness strike or would be very angry with him but always always when he has a problem, big or small, he can come to and I'd always know the solution.

And to my evilness, he is the good one. so innocent. he reminds me that there is still someone good in this life. 

 

 

This is why I am not bothered of having him for a while, especially since I know this will not be forever. I am his bird trainer, our parents send him to me because they know I am the only person who can release him into the wild and train him enough so he'd fly instead of crashing.

I am his stepping stone between his sheltered childhood world into the adult world.

 

This is why I cherish his innocence, for I have a feeling I'd have a hand of its destruction.