perceptive projection

As a member of society who cares, I feel the urge to make this public announcement.

People, men and women, please wash yourselves after you have finished making love. Not only it is hygienic for you to practice this, but also if you don't, the stench is gross and nasty, especially in the summer, especially when shared in a closed quarter of public transportations.

I don't care from which country you hailed from or what is the origin of your race who might nurture this type of unwashed-self behaviour but in the larger civil society, it is consider rude to spread unpleasantt odour omitted from your body of any kind, especially if the smell is perpetuated by your activities that involve not only one kind of your body fluid but of all kinds. 

We do not live in the wild kingdoms among the lions or whatever animals who need to keep their stench on to mark their territory. Your body fluids are not that precious to the rest of us.

And also, it can be safely assumed that the general population don't really care whether you are a stud or most highly accomplished seductress in the art of kama sutra. The general populatio in fact will steer clear from you if you stunk like a skunk.

If it is a new perfume you are trying on, please return the perfume to wherever you buy it and get your money back, or if it is not possible, just throw it away, it'd be better for you, trust me. 

We prefer our traveling companions to be clean and smell clean, whether we know them or we don't know them, especially if we don't know them!

And rest rooms these days are not a scarce thing to be found, really, even public ones.

On that same note, please also don't pee on public transportations.  They are not rest rooms!

To think that I am living in the States, in New York, no less, is confounding when you stumble upon these very heavily odoured people.  

So, live free and prosper, and for crying out loud live clean!

The apartment is empty, devoid of voices, even the ones that sometimes annoy me. The sound of my brother playing his loud music or his computer games. And I don't like it.

Many of a people have asked why I am not bothered that my brother lives with me, especially since most know I behave in a very asian way around my family, and all the more around him, since I am his big sister, which means the way I behave I can give any saint a run for his/her money. That means, around him, despite my quirks and such, I am all wise, all knowing, all responsible, all discipline, all know what to do in any situation to get myself and him out of that situation. 

It also means that around him, I don't show my passionate-self to any man.

Of course that he's seen me with the men in my life. In fact, I make sure those men, who seem to be very serious about me to whom I am also interested, get introduced to my brother, sooner or later. Although in the States because we live together, it tends to be sooner. I'd watch for their interaction with him. And I also make sure I explain to them I am responsible for my brother.  

He has met B, Alpha, Omega, Yuri, and even mr. Analyst. We've hung out together. But despite I've had my first boyfriend since I was eleven, even before he was born, he's never seen me doing anything other than holding hands, and even when I sat with my boyfriend du jour, he's never seen me cuddling, not even witth Alpha.

Whereas it is well-known in my family that I am the most affectionate member of the family. I have been accused by Babs, Jen's sister, to be very "touchy-touchy", easily touching people on their hands while talking or hugging them or all the affectionate actions. I am the first to start the hug in our family, to hug Mother or Father, this after I lived in Arizona and had developed a sense of not caring for their awkwardness and just showed them that I love them and wanted to show them in gestures.

We are a true chinese family, we've come from a long line of ancestors who never believed in showing emotions, other than perhaps strong anger.

But despite that I am known for my affection in my big family, I feel somehow by showing much passion in a relationship in front of my brother somehow uhmmmmm not right. so I don't.  I feel that it is not right especially since the guy is not my husband, I feel like I am teaching him how easy a relationship is without a deeper commitment if I am too passionate in front of him. 

I want to instill in him that, yes, date around first before you settle down with one person, but also don't take a relationship too lightly, respect yourself and also respect her, but don't get manipulated.

As for the aspect of passions, I have no doubt in time, he'll pick it on his own without me having to show him examples from my own relationship.

Not showing passion in front of him also means that living with him will stunt my love life in the eyes of other people. What they don't understand is, aside that I have no love life at the moment, but when I do, I don't bring men to my place. Even with Alpha or B or Omega or RK, they don't come to my place/house/apartment. I go to their places or the hotels where they stay. Even without my brother or my family around. Of course, they come for visits, but no staying over.

My place is my sanctuary, unless of course, we live together, then it is different. If I agree to live together with a guy, that means I've deemed him worthy enough for me to open and share my life with him. But as long as we both have our own places, then I go to their places, not the other way around. 

So, living with my brother doesn't bother my love life.

In fact, I enjoy it. Because he is really the sun to my dark gloomy moods. On the day to day, I don't have to pretend, I can act as myself, the crazy, grumpy, spoilt princess that I am because he knows that is his sister, the cranky evil sister that would pester him when my evil wickedness strike or would be very angry with him but always always when he has a problem, big or small, he can come to and I'd always know the solution.

And to my evilness, he is the good one. so innocent. he reminds me that there is still someone good in this life. 

This is why I am not bothered of having him for a while, especially since I know this will not be forever. I am his bird trainer, our parents send him to me because they know I am the only person who can release him into the wild and train him enough so he'd fly instead of crashing.

I am his stepping stone between his sheltered childhood world into the adult world.

This is why I cherish his innocence, for I have a feeling I'd have a hand of its destruction.

The kid is leaving today, heading home. The plan is that he'd stay there until end of august or before fall semester starts. What happens between here until then no one knows.

I'd feel bum by the time I say goodbye to him at the airport. But I am glad I can send him back to our parents intact, that he is healthy and not lessened, in fact, I hope he'd be more than before. more mature. more independent. more.

But although I'd miss the him, I feel relief also.

I'd be able to do what I want.

this summer. 

At times, I really hate him. I hate him for the reason that I love him so much. I want not to love him. 

Feet teach the heart the art of walking away, especially after impossible tomorrows.

I truly am a sucker for tall smart men. If you are smart and then you are tall, then...

Let's see, out of the men that I've dated: 

Omega is 193 cm or a bit more than six feet four.

Alpha is 188 cm or  six feet two.

Yuri is 185 cm

married guy is 180 cm

mr. gray is six two.

RK is 185 cm.

B would be the shortest, 170 cm.

Even mr. analyst and mr. lawyer are six feet two and five feet eleven respectively.

And the cannuck german is six two. cannuck german. smart. tall. and looks very good on all his height. very good.

alas... 

I informed my brother coldly that he is my brother, that he is not my servants or one of my staffs. 

Then he better behaves/acts accordingly, as someone who has the same blood flows in him as in me, that when he does something, don't do it as a servant or an underling would do things, without using brain, without thinking, want to do it fast, resulting that one task had to be unnecessarily repeated to achieve the final desired goal, and sometimes even then, only passable output.

I told him that when he has to do something then makes sure it is thorough, and if the process takes a bit of time, not as fast as he wants it to be, then he should follow it through, not taking short cuts.

The different between the boss and the underling is that the boss sees things several steps ahead that the underling would ever see, if at all.

I told my brother that just because he is my brother, doesn't mean he can be less than what he is capable of and expects me to be understanding about it. I've had fired people for less than that. And in fact, as my brother, I hold him to a higher standard that I do others.

Dear Ratty-looking President,

Please stop. Stop you insanity.

Please realize this is not fifteen century where you go off spreading holy war while enriching your family and friends and connection.

Back then, such wars were bad enough, and they were only using guns and machetes and swords.

And such wars, dear stupid insane mad delusional and rodent looking President, created hatred and scars and wounds that lasted[last] for centuries.

And today, princeling rat from hell President, if you have an iota of brain cells that are evolved from the cavemen age and capable to use it to think of how would you feel, if someone sent an army to create a war that kills many members of your family regardless whether you are involved in a war or not. or that the people whose country you are invaded are taking their anger by killing the very army you sent in, what'd it make the family of these armies feel about those people whose country you invaded in the first place?

But I guess, looking at the history of the war you have single-handedly created these last years, thinking is not one of your strong suit.

But dear unsympathetic President who can't even spell, please stop your madness.

It has gone far enough. and far too long. 

A stupidity shouldn't be allowed to cost such thousands of lives. 

I've been sleeping badly these last few months, well, these year and more, precise. But it's gotten worse, as in I sleep for about twenty minutes to thirty minutes intermittently, waking up each time almost always with my heart pounding, the kind you get from a very bad nightmare. And usually the maximum of that bad sleep I can get is about three hours, this is if I am really lucky and probably happens only every fortnight or so. Oft times, it is between half an hour to two hours before I couldn't go back to sleep no matter how I tried.

All this bad sleeping has shot my metabolism to hell again.

I've gained pounds that I haven't been able to shed and it pisses me off because I can't fit to most of my clothes. The shape of my body is flexible enough that for each size of clothing, that I can shed or gain in between 2 to 6 kg [4 lbs to 14 lbs] without it being mattered. But once a size doesn't fit me anymore, it means I've gained more than 8 kg. And this bites.

And not only that I really mind going from size six to size eight. But also financially speaking, I cannot afford to overhaul my wardrobe, and not to the better at that.

When some people say that they can't measure stress, I would like to show them wrong. I can measure mine from many aspect. It is size 8. or 10 kg worth.

Even at a time when the sun is out on a gorgeous spring day, it seems as if I don't get to enjoy it as often as I want to, walking underneath it in the open. I spend more time looking at it instead of enjoying it, staring outside, at the gorgeous days, from my office windows mostly. 

I was the child who walked outside under the warm monsoon rain. The child who entered ponds to capture tadpoles, to capture baby fish to move them somewhere else before the adults got to eat them. The one who would walk over pathways  in green tea mountains to sit over a small lake, and enjoy the world, myself, the cool early fog, and the world.

I am the person who loves to live life using all my senses. That is why I love Hong Kong so much. It is so vibrant there. The sounds, the colours, the smells, everything abound, so rich, they tease all senses, it makes everyone feels alive just by being there.

This goes also in love. I need to be able to touch, see, the close comfort of just being held and being touched in return.

This is why I suck at long distance relationships. Albeit that words and voice can give me some fix also. But at the end of the day, they are not enough. I need the full package, else I feel half alive.

Omega and I have been trying to pound onto our relationship for the last six months or since I called an end to it, tentatively speaking. We turn it to every which way to see whether it can work, if it is possible at all. Because despite everything, the heart, my foolish heart, does love him and keeps pining for him. And his is in no better condition than mine. But my head is pulling all the brakes for the heart so it won't go headlessly deeper. In fact, the head is using all these time, while we pounded over every aspect how to make it work, to readying my heart to walk away for good. I don't think my heart will ever be ready but it seems to be more resigned, especially as everything becomes clearer these past months, including the impossibilities of it all.

Not to mention the distance between me and him doesn't help at all, in fact, it compounds to the whole problem. And it just makes me crankier. 

And the prospect of us to be together is slim and getting slimmer. We both have a separate full life respectively , me in the States, him in Europe. In the old plan, or the plan, that he'd move his company and himself to the States in a year or two, if we are together. Hence the catch.

If we are not together then he won't do that since it would be senseless to uproot everything there to move here for no good reason which perfectly reasonable.

But the fact that he is not here is also one of the big reasons why we are not together.

I don't want to just enjoy a spring day, indoor, looking outside. That child who danced under the warm pouring rain is still in me. 

Okay, I shall declare it before anybody that I cannot stand cheap men.

I come from a long line of family who always picks up tabs without any fuss. We don't live above our means which means when we go out to eat, it means we can afford it. And if we invite people to go with us to eat that means we can afford to pay for those people also.  This goes for the men and women in my family. And because my family is very paternal, when the women behave like that, the men, of course, behave even more so. The women in my family are gentleman women, the men are the gentlemen of gentlemen.

Even now, with my brother, when he goes out even just to study group, I'd make sure he carries enough money that at least he can pay for his own food. I always tell him, be smart! but never in debt to anyone.  We rather that we don't do anything if it is going to make us owe anyone.

So, when I go with a guy who invited me to go out with a bunch of his friends, I find it embarrassing when  I notice that the guy acts as if he wants/expects/hopes that someone else would pick up the tab and pay for it and makes no move to at least pay his[our] share, especially there was an understanding beforehand that everyone or every couple paid for themselves. Not to mention I find it truly mortifying when then it was asked for us to pay up, after that person, who paid, waited around for the self-realization that never set in.

I have never had an underling mentality, don't understand it, don't want to understand it and don't like it. And men who do have such underling mentality better steer clear from me.