perceptive projection

My fav. tv shows from the oldies until now, in no specific order:

- Star Trek the Next Generation

- Golden Girls

- Dynasty

- Planet Earth Series

- Thorn Birds

- The Legend of the Condor Heroes

- The Return of the Condor Heroes

- Return to Eden

- specific animes [noir, hana yori dango, candy candy, kenshin, etc]

- So You Think You Can Dance

- Top Chef

- Iron Chef

- House

- Oprah Winfrey [more in the old days than now]

- Deutsche Welle's journal

- Deugtsche Welle's euromaxx

- Family Matters

- Sex and the City

- vh1 pop up video

- anything cultural related from around the world. 

The white house debacle is tiring to watch. One can't wait for Bush's term as a president to be over. not a moment too soon.

On Wednesday,  it was mr. analyst's birthday. It was also, married-guy's last night in the city. He was flying out that same night. We, me and married-guy had plan for the evening. 

I knew it was mr. analyst's birthday, I remember well about family and friends' birthdays in general, sent a birthday wish early in the day. Mr. analyst on the other hand didn't mention anything at all about celebration on wednesday, not a week before, not three days before, not the day before, and knowing him, I figured that the celebration would probably this weekend, not on working days.

Even on wednesday morning when we smsed each other back and forth he didn't mention anything. Then suddenly an sms from him came in around four-ish p.m. saying that hey, let's celebrate. And well, I was the only person he wanted to celebrate with. I asked repeatedly whether he was sure about wanting to celebrate that evening, considering he had gym appt. to go to. He said he was sure. 

And stupid me, I felt pity for him, because it was his birthday, and in my book no one should feel bad on their birthdays. So, with a heavy heart, I cancelled my evening with married-guy. [stupid. stupid. stupid.] He was disappointed. I was more than disappointed, but hey, I was thinking it was for a good cause.

Even while during my sms to mr. analyst, I already started asking a few times where and what time he wanted to meet. He didn't answer that particular question, though I knew he to be indecisive. Then I had a meeting around five p.m. for an hour.  

After the meeting, I smsed him again, asking where he wanted to meet, I thought I'd stay at work until the time. One short sms around six-thirty saying that he still had gym to do. Finally, with no news until eight thirty p.m. I smsed him that I am going home.  Then I called married-guy to check where he was and hailed a cab. By the time I got to where he was, we only had about thirty minutes before he had to head to the airport.

Mr. Analyst tried to call around eight thirty, trying to get me to meet him wherever, and every half an hour afterwards which I ignored.

I was royally pissed at him.

This is why I didn't want to be his girlfriend. He still had a lot to learn.

yesterday day is one of the worst day of days.

what's more it could actually be one of those perfect days.

bleh.  

I sincerely hope that Bloomberg would run for President in 2008 and if he does, I hope that he'd pick Arnold as his running mate.

Both men are men of actions more than of words. They get things done that are needed to be done. 

As I saw Arnold shaking hand with Blair, it is hard to not notice his charisma. There was a man who could stand his own in the world, pleasant, charming, no-nonsense, and believes in saving the world for future generation but also realistic enough that to achieve impossible dreams you have to start with small steps. But you _have to_ start those small steps. not pretending problems don't exist.

Bloomberg would be a terrific President for the country across the board and Arnold would be a great VP in correcting the relationship between the US with the rest of the world.    

This has convinced me that indeed it should be a requirement for anyone who wants to run for the President to have real jobs first and successful in his/her job regardless whatever field it is, except lawyers. Anyone who studied the law, if they want to run for govt. office, should only be allowed to run for the judicial office, and no where else. Practicing of law cannot be mixed with governing. So lawyer should either go private or just be DA/judges/justice. 

Those who have aimed to run as a politician all their lives, in return, have their whole lifetime to learn about politic as itself and how to manipulate it so they could end up as a politician. Whereas people who have "real" jobs won't have time to learn how to manipulate the arena of governing and its structures. And because they have real jobs, they also live in the real worlds and realize what is more important and what's not in the daily life, in touch, grounded. And because they are successful in their fields, they know how it takes to get things done, and successful people are rarely hermits, that means they interract with other people, and usually not only in their fields, this gives them more point of views than most politicians who just hang out with other politicians. 

In my theory, then you wouldn't end up with someone like the ratty looking leader the US govt. has at the moment.

I am keeping my fingers cross. 

I was asked by a friend what turned me off men:

- someone who isn't alpha, meaning mediocre.

- someone who is more vain than me, and since I am not very vain in general,

  it really is a turn off for a man to be one. metrosexual <> vain. 

- Someone who isn't funny.

- Someone who isn't smart.

- Someone who thinks he is a bad boy. 

- Someone who inks his whole body.

- Someone who reads women magazines. Get a life. Leave our magazines

  to us.

- Someone who doesn't care about his body odour. Let's face it

  masculine smell can only go so far before it gets yucky. Again

  metrosexual <> vain.

- Someone who isn't accomplished in any way.

- Someone who dresses sloppily. 

a friend sent this article to me, because she knew how much this break up with Omega affected me and she thought the article would help.

I thought to share it here :

PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE
 By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz
 
 I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom
 met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems
 constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what
 it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our
 lives.
 
 When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a
 mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social
 acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the
 logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became
 embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at
 older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I
 imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not
 imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.
 
 And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed
 to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just
 dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was
 an astounding sight, and it seemed possible. How, I asked myself, can
 they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the
 other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem
 unable to even stay together, much less love each other?
 
 The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to
 the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad
 relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to
 succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good
 relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly
 in the early stages. Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors
 the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of
 little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You
 need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual
 fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride
 out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is
 on the other side.
 
 This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others
 deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other
 apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the
 presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them
 from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.
 
 The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time
 friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get
 to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each
 other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before
 they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.
 
 This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell
 of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for
 other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells
 you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term.
 
 If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of
 others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is
 the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always
 surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can
 always keep the world around you new.
 
 Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most
 intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn
 sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends
 to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your
 relationship can become based on being critical together.
 
 After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you
 respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their
 relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They
 find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the
 emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the
 relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again.
 If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't
 accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for
 others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love
 her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not
 respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the
 two of you will not respect each other.
 
 Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live
 on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart
 resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery
 of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only
 to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance
 doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated
 and misunderstood.
 
 There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all
 have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and
 private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you
 fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of
 you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves
 growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share
 the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives
 and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of
 petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and
 unsatisfied with their mates.
 
 So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner
 with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take
 place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a
 miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in
 marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most
 common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes
 the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never
 question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are
 not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to
 believe. Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is
 planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the
 flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come.
 
 If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you
 have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We
 are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a
 marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of
 the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred
 tome to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness
 and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the
 first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was
 actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All
 I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when
 it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter.
 
 But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative
 transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But
 instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches
 of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate
 presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of
 life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become
 one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a
 constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not
 tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every
 choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers.
 Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not
 taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the
 richness that it alone contains.
 
 But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by
 the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one.
 Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared
 company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that
 deepens that experience into something richer and more complex.
 
 So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the
 wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power
 of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found
 someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith
 that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the
 partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the
 cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready
 to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy
 grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time
 comes, a thousand flowers will bloom...endlessly.

Spent the weekend with married-guy at the Four Seasons. Went to see things, including the pride parade. 

For the first time since a long time I really really had fun. He buttered me up, entertained me, made me laugh and forget my blues.

I am not interested to write more than that for now.

Other than the fact I am quite proud of myself and didn't agree to break up a marriage.

Though it's still to be continued. 

At worked I was being paged, saying that someone, a client, was waiting for me at the lobby. My next appointment was supposed to be two hours away, yet, a sudden appearance of a client without a prior engagement is not uncommon in my line of work. 

Half-curious, half-wary, since usually sudden appearance means not a good news or something needed to be changed or other many wrong reasons, I went down from my office to the lobby.

As I walked through the lobby, I saw someone who made me stood rooted at where I was, surprised then thinking it must've been a coincidence then to a gnawing suspicion.

There he was. married-guy.

at the lobby at where I work. acting as he had always been acting. Nonchalant. supremely relax and confident. 

In my fantasy,

the person I expected/wanted to make a sudden appearance like that is certainly someone else. Certainly someone who wasn't married. Someone who was not specifically forbidden to come to new york by me.

Yet, there he was. Of all the men in my life. There he was.

The only men in my life who is married. still married. still has a wife. still has a daughter.  

The one I least thought who understood how to please me.

There he was.

And suddenly my tears welled up.

At the same time he spotted me. he saw the tears.

He knew me. he stirred me right quick out of the hotel and walked a block away. And he held me in his arms. while I cried.

in public.

there he was. holding me while I broke apart.

the last man on earth I expected/wanted to be there.

yet.

there he was.  

I caught Letterman show last night with Matt Damon in it. His interview [Matt Damon's] only confirms more and more that he is one seriously humorous guy, sharp and witty, with a pleasant demeanor, easy to see why he is quite a good actor. Unlike his friend, Ben Affleck. My, each time I saw a movie where he starred, I ended up wanting to throw something onto the screen because his acting is so bad.

In the end, I just avoid Ben Affleck's movies like a plague. Before him, it was Brad Pitt, who's still a bad actor but surprisingly much better than Affleck.

So, this is the list of movie stars [men and women] whose acting compelled me to see or to avoid a movie [aside, of course, my penchant to see a movie by the title alone or anything that has to do with dancing]:

To see:

- Denzel Washington

- Tom Hanks

- Cate Blanchett

- Gong Li

- Jodie Foster

- Harrison Ford

- Al Pacino

To avoid:

- Ben Affleck

- Cameron Diaz

the rest fall in between you can see their movies or not and it is okay, too.

well, well,  summer is finally here.