perceptive projection

Do I hate it?

This life?

Yes. I do. I do! 

What about love?

What about it? It is not enough. 

It is not to say that I am not trying. Because I do. I am trying so hard.

Yet it takes the slightest matter to bring my struggle comes crashing all around me. At work, it is not so bad, and I am so busy that I don't have time to think about moody stuffs even when my eyes and brain register what they register. But I am that busy and I keep myself very busy.

But off work, it is another matter entirely.

And the news of catching up from my friends. News, of opening their third businesses, of second pregnancy, of buying a new house, of of... things that I always dream about. Not the pregnancy of course.

But of settling, of settling and growing and moving on from one stage to another.

And here I am, stuck in a rut. No business. No family. No house. Supporting my brother, living from paycheck to paycheck, at times even living in fear that I'd have no place to live for my brother and I with no one I can turn to for help, at my thirties, doing worse that I was when I was twenty five. 

And twenty-six I had a great job, a great life, a saving nest, almost had my own house in arizona even, with its four bedrooms, a backyard with a pond, a front lawn, two cars garage. Paid the downpayment already. And planning, planning that next stage, that future, that dream. Until that fateful year when I had to give it all up to go back to my country.

And now. In new york. no house. no saving. no business. no plan. no dream. I have nothing. When my friends all have moved on, even the ones who I thought so young ten years ago, so behind.

And it is a very very very bitter pill. One I seem unable to get over. 

One that makes me suicidal.

I am trying. But God, it is so hard. this bitter pill that I have to swallow.  

It is so hard to see the point of me continue living for I am so lost on how do I end up so far away from my dreams.  

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways... so Elizabeth said/wrote down many a years ago.

I have heard that phrase since the olden days where my feet were still light, unburdened by aches. Before Omega, before Yuri, before Jh, before B, before RK, before everyone except Alpha. After all, Alpha was before everything. He is my book of genesis. 

Through my growing years, I heard that phrase written by Elizabeth Barret Browning quoted, paraphrased, recited through many things for many things. Most of them have something to do with love. And even I, in my puerile years perhaps, had copied the poem down and gave it to someone, surely. I am not so sure about it since I can be very private when it comes to verses, my own or my favourites written by other people. But surely for that poem, after all, I have my cheesy moments, not often thankfully, but they do strike even my aloof facade and manage to go through successfully.

Not often. But it happens. Usually when I feel deeply for a particular person.

I wrote tons of reasons why I love/d Alpha, in structured forms or scattered diaries containing personal orgasms meant for my eyes only forever and ever [my only excuse is I was young]. 

These days of course I am more in control, my self-control is without doubt ever in place, shiny and without dents. No more books and books wasted for the innoncence voice of gushing adulation. No more the sweet admiration of the person with whom I thought I couldn't live without. I am mature. I am restrained. I am all grown up.

When people ask me what I love about Omega most. I just say I love him. I don't mention his height. even so. I don't mention his sense of humour. even so. I don't mention his understanding. even so. I don't mention his making love techniques that drive me wild. even so. I don't mention the mere presence of him makes my heart skips a twitter. even so.

I have proven to myself that I am grown up. I have self-control. I am aloof. I am cool. 

I just say I love him. Most of the time.  

And write only on-line about Omega's eyes. The most beautiful eyes I have ever since, the colour of an ever changing green sea in some parts of the aegean sea. In them I see myself. I see his love. I see hope. I see promises. I see valueable gems that beheld the world to me.

"Let me count the ways..."

And it starts with Omega' eyes and from there it flows infinitely. 

And yes, I am grown up enough to let the world know.  

The ideas people come up with these days are just amazing, the likes of googles, wikipedia, youtube, prius, wii, and so on and so forth. Skype, too, falls into this cool invention, speaking long distance with other people free of charge or only a small fee is charged, giving a much better choice than the usual phone companies that charge you an arm and a leg to talk to your beloved ones.

I am not saying telephones are forgotten complete. I still use them. But for long international conversations at home I use skype most of the time to talk to parents, to friends, to Omega.  

This of course allows me to put the other end on speakers, true for my parents so my brother can hear what they are saying also, and true for Omega sometimes because it allows me to hear him clearly. And because my brother is around most of the time when I talk to Omega, Omega sometimes would address him in our conversation also and listening to my brother's answer inthe background.   

I often tease Omega, mercilessly. And in return, Omega tried to bribe my brother to attack me. One time, Omega was mock-tirading about me, like I am a tyrant, an eccentric ditactor, a very mean lady, etc, and my brother was agreeing with him in the background while I was laughing aloud because some of the accusations were ridiculously funny [though not untrue]. After a while, Omega was taking a breath and I was calming down from my giggling when suddenly my brother commented however that I am the kindest person he's ever known. 

Not my parents who gave him everything and spoilt him rotten. Me who is actually his diciplinarian. The strictest person he knows in his life. His no bending uncompromising sister whom always pulling him back harshly when he went wayward.

But Omega, whom I haven't given the easiest time, agreed with my brother. 

I didn't know what to make of that, still don't. Largely because I don't want to be kind.

However the case, I am just happy about skype.  

Go Columbia!

Yes to a real freedom. 

Freedom does not mean to only owning one option, that is to listen to whatever the White House spout off. Freedom means to have the ability to invite everyone, even if that someone is Ahmadinejad, to listen to their point of view also.

Yay Columbia. 

A gorgeous evening. a fitting end for a friday.

And I got yummy cookies. 

I was teasing my brother about his loyalty to people. Even when he was small, he has shown this particular trait of his.

When he was six or seven years old, we took him to a hairdresser to trim his hair. Afterwards we, my parents and I, were commenting about the result, how the cut was no different than another hairdresser who was much cheaper. And Mother, always the practical, said that perhaps better to go to the other hairdresser for next time. My brother, in his innocent voice, asked, what about San-San[the hairdresser that just cut his hair earlier], he had promised her that he'd come back to her next time and he was adamant to us to lett him come back to that hairdresser because he had promised. We all burst uproariously to my brother's dismay. After we calmed that, my father shook his head, then ruffled my brother's new do while commenting that this loyalty and devotion were for someone who was only a hairdresser, what would happen if my brother had a girlfriend one day.

This memory was never forgotten by any of us, including my brother.  He even joked about it himself, understanding once he was old enough why we found it so amusing.

He still had this side of him, of course, though tempered by years.

It reared its head again. He had lost his appetite when I asked why he told me that he felt sympathy for his friend who's been refused by a girl.

The problem was, this girl was also the girl my brother had been chasing after. And actually his friend knew this girl through my brother and tried to undercut my brother while my brother was here in America, and his friend was back home where the girl also lived. So, not only his friend was my brother's competitor in the matter of love, but also a not so nice competitor at that.

Still he symphatized. 

I was laughing and teasing him. But the underlined of my teasing was my message, loyal to a friend is one thing, but loyaly to an enemy? And he joked back, also agreeing with me in teasing himself. Walking back and forth in the apartment while doing my facial ritual in the bathroom.

But one of his innocent sentence was

"I guess it is true, Love your enemy as you love yourself."

This was without satire or irony or mocking. Just a statement of observation.

But I went silent, somewhat taken back.

Because it was true. For that was truly my brother.

He is that good. That innocent. That sincere. 

I hope that Google will be able to breakthrough the monopoly hold of the telecommunication companies in America. I hope they would win the bid.

No more locked phone to a specific service. No more buying this feature, that feature because you are using the service. Then you can buy phones that actually you can use anywhere in the world, like the phones sold in other countries, not attached to some service you'd have to buy to a period of time, in which, after your contract ends, your phone is rendered useless.

Then. Then, Americans will know what freedom actually means, the freedom that has been enjoyed by other countries even in Asia, those countries that have been accused of being strict and limit their citizens. For all the talk the media spouts about how free the United States of America is, it is actually the most herded and pulled-by-strings media in the world. And its people are so blinded by consumerism to realize what they are being offered with are actually crap by any standard in 'developed' countries.

i want to comment on something, just because you forbade a word from being used or even erased from the dictionary, doesn't mean it'd change the people.

Get your priority right. Fix the people. Leave the words alone.  

The words are mere alphabets, it is the people who twist them and shape them into weapons of hurt and pain and anger.

Fix the people. Educate them or rather their moral. 

if worrying over small things resulting in the same level of stress as in worrying over big things.

Then one should aspire to find big things to worry over, I say.