perceptive projection

If I ever had the slightest doubt whether or not I love Omega as much as I loved Alpha or even somewhere near to the level I loved Alpha, last night pretty much proved it.

Details later. or not. 

Perhaps because I wrote my sms unclearly or Mother was being her worrier-self, either way Mother thought something bad had happened to me. In matter of minutes, she wrote two sms to me asking what happened. As I was replying to her first sms which took quite awhile, she already fired another sms to my brother asking what was wrong with me, which, in turn, made my brother panic. He called me at the same instant after he finished reading Mother's sms. The brother who never responded to people's sms or calls for months on end. 

He sounded so worried and panic.  

All in all, it took not fifteen minutes from my first harmless sms to Mother to the uproar created afterwards until I calmed everybody off. 

Despite it all, it warmed me. It reminded me that despite everything, despite our troubles, problems, tiffs, etc, I am loved. 

Of all the big companies out there, there are very few leaders of these companies that can be admired. In the old days, Steve Jobs would fall into one of those leaders.

I even found his speech at the Standford graduation in 2005, "Stay hungry, stay foolish", to be inspiring.  After all, I have always had a healthy respect for people who had faced their life's tribulations and not only survived it, but survived it well and became the better person because of it. He, I thought, to be one of such personages.

Yet, these days I must admit I am somewhat disappointed with what Apple, the company he'd built and led again, is practicing in the business world. The decisions to limit its iphone to work only for At&T. This bothers me so much because I always think that American custormers are already too long being fooled by these behind the scenes monopolies while touting free market on the outside. Then Apple followed that decision to limit its iphone customers to buy the phone only with cash and also two phones per each person/credit card. 

What is this? I understand the point of view, that they are trying to protect their phones from being resold, still though, this is exactly the idea of a free market, when you sell a product, there will always be the risk that your product would be resold. But that is exactly the buyer's right. Once a product is being bought, cash/money exchanged, the buyer should have full right as to what he or she wants to do with the product, you as the seller can only shut up, you are already being paid for that product, a service has been exchanged to the satisfaction to both sides, because if you are not satisfied then you shouldn't sell your product at all.

But not like this. Not with the practice that well, I take your money but also I still have some say to the property that now belongs to you. Ever since when Apple has become a socialist company?

And this I find disappointing that Steve Jobs is just another hypocrite produced by America. I am not surprised. But yes, tremendously disappointed.

we are summer drunk;

'tween moments of despair, our

hearts dance brilliantly. 

Has it been mentioned how stupid the ratty looking president's administration is?

My God, how could a person like that got elected president is beyond me. Truly beyond me.  

May he and the people who elected him rot in hell. on this life. in another life. and it the many many lives they'd end up. 

It is hard of course.  No one has ever said it is easy. And I had gone through this with Omega before in 2002.

Yet, yet, the brain tends to forget the unpleasant memories as quick as possible. It isn't until it happens, again, then you remember. Again.

The compulsion of emailing him or sms him as the first person to be told when something interesting or news worthy happens. The wishing for the phone to ring, for the skype to light up at night. But when the phone does ring, showing his number, or his nick on skype lights up, you just want to throw the phone to the ocean or remove yourself from the computer. Not because you are angry. But because the desire to answer is so strong. But you know. You know nothing good will come out of it. It'd only drag the dying longer.

If possible I would want to erase everything of him from my memory. Everything.

Every last detail. The colour of his eyes. the sound of his laughter. How good things were when the stars were alligned in the right way. How fantastic the sex is. How we click. We click.

Because we do. click. when it is just the two of us. Just between me and him.

It is when the outside world registers, how we view the world...

It is difficult.

Because I need him. my fingers, my body, my heart, remember him. his person resonates in my being.

so hard. 

On the news everywhere, online and on tv today, they mentioned the ratty looking president a.k.a Bush the war president asked Congress to approve another $45 billion more for the war. That is on top of the $455 billions and changes already spent for the war.

And where do the people/the blind masses, the ones who supported Bush for president [or shall we say the republicans], think that amount of money came [will come]from?

And then the Americans wonder why the gap between the rich and the poor is getting wider. Why the middle class is getting erased from the American's society. 

Simply because you put the wrong people in the government to govern you.  You, Americans, chose to empower these people yourselves, empower them with the power to make you poor and poorer. And you ask why?

Clinton left the White House with a surplus budget that was squandered around in the first year of the Ratty looking president and his cohorts ruling , lining the pockets of his friends and backers and plunged the country into a great deficit.  

I suggest, the next time the election come around, I suggest you, Americans, use it and use it well. Put the people who do not aim to lining their own pockets while coming up ways to make you end up on the street. If it means you will be ruled by a woman, so be it. Your mother, too, is a woman, but they don't think ways to put you out on the street.

Yup. Can't do it.

The differences are just too great for us to cross over. It is the ideologies that followed and shaped our thoughts and behaviours. And it is just too great of a chasm.

I am not allowing myself to think much about it.  

Omega and I, this time, I think we are over for good.

I have not much to say about that. Not yet anyway.

As the topic suggested, I have taken a new chessboard and laid the pieces anew. And I have moved my pieces into positions, I wonder what results they would bring.

These paths were unseen to me a few months back. Yet, they appeared all the same. Married guy, Nippon san, and of course Omega. The paths intertwined yet again, in me. 

For some reasons unclear even to ourselves, a drift emerged between Omega and me, we were very close then suddenly his work and our situations made us took some steps back to clear our minds and see the whole picture, how to restructure. Yet, at the same time, married guy called me more often than usual, out of the blue, sending me gifts. Then nippon san also showed up again, after more than a year of silent. He couldn't come to New York, suddenly he called me, saying that he would send me a roundtrip tickets to LA, whether I'd use them or not, it'd be up to me, however, he is hoping that I would use it to see him because he wanted to meet me.

I didn't say aye or nay, yet.

Suddenly these paths, three of them appeared. Unexpected. Unsuspected. 

I don't know what it means, only that something inside me, this time around whichever path I'd choose would mean business.

I have always been cautious but this time around I feel the need to be prudent and extra cautious.