perceptive projection

Wrote an email to yahoo telling them that if they accept, they'd lose me as their user.

Me and those who I know.

I use yahoo services laergely because it is NOT microsoft, yahoo email is not hotmail. yahoo im is not msn.

microsoft SUCKS. 

After my brother got out from the bathroom from his shower, right away he asked me whether it was true that he recalled correctly that one of our uncle's friends used to like me a lot. I burst out into a shocked laughter.

Not because it wasn't true. It was. But it happened a long time ago that I didn't know my brother knew about it, although most of Mother's family knew about it and were amused except for Father. I certainly never talked about it with my brother.

This guy is a friend of my youngest uncle from Mother who was thirteen years older than me which made his friends were his age, plus minus a year. This guy has been best friend with my uncle and another guy since they were in their teens. Naturally they visited each other's houses to hang out, including my maternal's grandparents place. At that time, only my uncle was still living with my grandparents, the other six older sibblings had left the nest a long time since, some even went abroad. On the weekends though and on holidays, me, J and B [and Ir when she was still living back home for a year] would stay over. Of course we didn't hang out with my uncle, him being older than us with his own world and his friends. We would see him and his friends came in and out fleetingly but most of the time we were busy playing, my cousins and I. 

But one day, when I was ten, J was eleven, B was seven and Ir was eight, somehow my uncle stopped by and introduced us to his usual two best buddies, Y and P. We thought nothing about it and went on continue playing. Although then over dinner with Mother and grandparents around my uncle then called me and then told me and everybody else that P liked me, and my uncle pointed out to P that I was only ten in which P said calmly that I'd grow up one day. Everyone [the adults] were laughing, even Mother. whereas I was staring blankly and went back playing with my cousins.

This would be a beginning of an entertaining chapter for my family. Throughout the years, I'd meet with P a few times, always fleetingly. But P would keep his interest openly known to my uncle from time to time [like every other year], telling my uncle that I looked prettier and prettier by the year, who had no qualm to use it to tease me. 

Everyone, including my uncle, thought P was just joking since I was so young, thirteen or fourteen years younger than him, even when he mentioned he'd wait for me. But when I turned 12, 15, 17, and P still wasn't having any relationship other than short affairs, everybody started to think P was serious. 

And as for myself, I knew he was serious by the time I was 15 and understood a man's attraction on me. He was attracted to me. I could feel it when we met. And when I was seventeen and was the bride's maid to my uncle's wedding in which he was the best man I knew he wasn't bluffing. And I knew like Alpha, P liked me before I looked the way I looked by the time I reached puberty. I could of course accuse P as a pedophile, and yet, though he liked me when I was ten, but my cousins were there also and were as young and he didn't like them. Whereas with me, there was always tension and the more I grew up the more I felt it. 

On that wedding, one time, we ended up being together in a rather private balcony, we had danced together also, and that was awkward, and for the first time ever we conversed, not the usual small talks when we met. But this time we talked, he talked about his work, and other things, he asked me about my school and everything, then he asked me what I saw in my future, after high school, I told him I planned to go to the States to continue my study. He went silent.  Then asked again what about after, I told him I don't know but I don't see myself coming back home. He nodded and changed the subject.

We didn't meet more often after that. But my uncle would arrange for events in which I and P would attend more often. It was hard to miss by my family of course. Everyone knew by now, from both of my grandfather and grandmother to my other aunts and uncles, least of all my parents. Mother noted to Father that P probably planned to ask me out. Father was none too happy about this. He said I was too young for P, Mother told him though that P had been waiting for me for years, ever since I was ten. Father didn't make any comment.

And I left to the States.

I went back for a visit in 1996 where I met P again at a hospital because my uncle was hospitalized. Chemistry still there. My uncle teased us and told me P was still single still waiting. Afterwards, For the first time he called me directly, asking to meet, which I did.

We talked about everything and nothing. I also told him about B. About how I probably would marry B. He listened. Then he asked what I think about him, did I, like everybody else in my family think he was too old for me [he was then  thirty-four to my twenty-one]. I answered that no, I didn't think he was too old. But the situation was strange. I felt the chemistry but I also felt uncomfortable because he was my uncle's friend and if we were to go out, how would it be, he'd be my uncle's nephew which would be funny. All in all, the whole conversation left an unfinished business between us.

Then I went back to the States. to B.

In end of '99, B proposed. I accepted. 

I found out years later that my uncle told P about it. As P's best friend, my uncle told him to better not wait for me any longer. My uncle told P that my parents probably would prefer I marry B who was more to my age than him.

In 2000, P got married to a woman, whom my uncle said P never loved but could build a life together. In 2001 I went back to get married to B, that same year when P heard he migrated to Canada with his wife.

Throughout all this I didn't think my brother knew because he wasn't even born yet when it started and only a small remnant left when he was old enough to know. Yet, somehow it must've been mentioned in recent years sometime in the family when I wasn't around for him to even remember enough to ask me about it. 

I am glad to hear Cheney's operation was successful.

He doesn't deserve to die easily. He needs to be healthy enough in order for him to have a long life. And then acquire a disease like Reagan's, alzheimer, mixed with parkinson and other natural incurable sickness that take your life away slowly.

After iraq, he deserves that much.  

happy gobble gobble day to all who has reason to be thankful.

When he said he is so tired of fighting, too. He is also stressed out by the whole thing. He doesn't want to fight. He just wants to be together with me. That he needs me. That he misses me.

Something inside me aches. The sorrow in his voice makes me wants to weep. 

I am chinese woman who came from a very traditional chinese family, raised in a muslim country and grew into adulthood in America. That alone is complicated and can give anyone psychological issues. And then to top it all of, like that is not enough, I fell in love with a European man. And in between falling in love with him, my family is falling to hard times in which required me to go to unimaginable lengths to help them.

More than anyone, including him, I realize how trying it can be to have me as a girlfriend in my current situation. It is more than enough to drive anyone crazy with frustration, testing a man his true mettle. He has passed with flying colours so far. Yet, he is kept being tested. 

That he is tired of it, I can thoroughly understand. 

Not only I get hurt in this situation. He does, too. 

So. For once, I shut the world out and speak only what we both can understand. For once, I simply let my love speaks to him and nothing else.  

No one could manage to upset me like my parents can. or drive me crazy.

Both of them. And unfortunately not in the same ways.

Bah. BAH!

So, I will say it, Bush is the most stupid, irresponsible, craziest President ever lived in this century. Ahmadinejad can't even hold a candle to Bush.

How many people need to die to satisfy his pride and his ego? 

I got angry with my brother today. It happens not often. But it happens.

I am not going to talk about it in depth other than to say I got quite angry with him. This is the third time I think. The kind of anger people rarely see me in and rightly fear. The kind of anger that made him cry. Again.  

However, it comes to my attention to wonder why we are so different. He and I. It is as if that when I was born with my traits from my parents, I took all of them, leaving nothing behind for him to inherit. My love of singing, my love for art, my love for writing, my understanding of others, my compassion, my sense of responsiblity, and so on and so forth. He got none of it. What I have, I have too much. What I don't have, he got them in abundance. Unfortunately, it seems I got all the good sides from both parents, whereas he got the not so good sides from them, including the trait of not wanting to change for the better.

In the end of the day, after the anger and such, all I could do is sigh and hope that he'd grow to acquire some wisdom about his own life.

Like I told him, his life is his to live, not ours.  

Wow.

Can I say wow?

First of all, how long has it been since you married to him? Six years now? At least?

And how long have you been going out with him? Since 1994? was it? or 1995? This means, you've been with him for more than twelve years, my dear. And ever since that time, I had no contact at all with him. He chose not to talk to me. He chose to cut me out of his life. Ever since he chose you, I have been out of his life. I, his best friend, got cut off so completely and utterly. 

He chose you. You. Not me.  

This means you actually never have nor had any reason to be jealous of me.

You shouldn't feel like you are his second choice. Not then. And especially not now, now that you carry his name, and born him his two children.

So, why? Why are you still jealous?

Even if he had feelings for me, more than ten years have passed since. He'd be over it by now.

Now, you are his partner. His wife. The mother of his children.

Why then? the jealousy still?

Bad bad bad time for me.